Taking a break…

For the last 8 weeks I have completely devoted myself to motherhood. I know, what does that mean? If you’re a mum, you’re a mum all the time. Right?

When did the world become so loud? It’s almost impossible to be a mum all the time. We’ve got a million different wires pulling out of us all. Of. The. Time.
I’ve heard it on loop, the phrase “I don’t know how our parents did it all” said in an exasperated tone by the mothers around me. But did they? Or were they too just trying to do their best. Well, either way the battles we face don’t look the same as the ones that came before we were the adults. It was a different world, a different bubble entirely. There was a supportive community of aunties and uncles around- not all related- that we lack in the current age. I have such a huge family around me, yet I still feel like my husband and I are doing it all alone. Because it’s changed, our circles have become tiny. There are no longer weekends where you know that no matter what, you’ll run home to a house full of aunties huddled together folding samosas and swapping stories of their husbands. No more late-night guests that refuse to leave even though goodbyes have been said half a dozen times. No more sleepovers so large you have to step carefully over snoring bodies on the floor as you wake up early.

So yeah, back to where I started. For the last two months I dropped all responsibility of everything apart from simply just being there for my children. Accidentally at first and then when I found a rhythm, more intentionally. Let’s be clear, I don’t mean I suddenly turned into Supermum and was on top of completely everything but somehow, I managed to let go of that guilt of not working on anything. No commissions, no projects, no writing, no drawing, no planning, no nothing. Every single day feels like there’s a dark Cloud looming over me, just threatening to burst… unless I can keep it at bay with a piece here, a project there. Why am I punishing myself for not being creative enough when really, I just don’t have the capacity to do it. But when I embraced my break away from work with open arms, it felt like that Cloud had floated on for a while- far away enough for me not to have to constantly acknowledge it. The battle between being a mum and being a creative (really dislike calling myself that but you know, context) had somehow just… paused.
So have you heard that other one?; It’s hard being a parent. You think it gets easier but honestly, it doesn’t. The physical labour contorts itself into emotional labour. Suddenly goodnights aren’t goodnights anymore, because whilst they sleep, you’re left with streams of doubt wondering whether you’re doing enough. Will you ever be doing enough? But here I was, able to deal with that without the added layers of work on top and it was… it was needed.

So for the first time in a long time, my kids didn’t have to wait for me to finish what I was doing. I shopped, I cooked (I ordered a lot of takeaway), I watched tv, I cleaned, I did all the things that would only take time away from me before and I did it all without a single ounce of guilt. And now I’m back. I feel ready, I think. I’m ready to work on some new things, some old things, and some half-left finished things.

And so as all the high school essays end… in conclusion; take the break. A real break. Embrace the mundane life, because how often do you get to? Be bored, but be there. Give your time to your children, and your home- not only for their sake but for yours. For a while, let go of some of that momma guilt by accepting your time away… for a while, tell yourself you’re off limits and just be there. For a while, just be Mum.